I lived a good portion of my life with a wall built around me to protect myself from others finding fault. I got married at 24 and within four years, we had three children. As my children grew older it took more and more energy to keep that wall from crumbling. At the age of 48 my marriage of 23 years broke down. My wife moved out leaving me with the house, three grown children, a daughter-in-law, two dogs, two cats and all the bills. The reason for my marriage failure was becoming clear, I might be gay.
At the same time, my parents’ lives were about to change dramatically. Mom was diagnosed with advanced Lung Cancer with less than three months to live. The family gathered to deal with mom’s illness and her pending death. Dealing with my sexuality and self-worth had to wait.
It took me months after my mom’s passing to embrace the fact that I was gay. Once I was able to accept that reality I made the decision to tell my wife, kids, brothers, sisters, friends and my dad. Since my mother had recently passed, my family counseled not to tell my father. I insisted. My parents were both born again Christians so I was not sure how he would take the news of my gayness.
His grief counselor indicated that as long as I could assure him I would stay healthy he would be fine. Dad and I sat to talk. I told him about being gay. As I suppose is typical in many situations like this his first words were, “You are my son and I will always love you”. After some moments of silence, he said he would like to think on it for a while and continue our conversation at a later date. I was okay with that.
A couple of month went by before I got a call from him asking me to come over so we could talk. Again, he expressed how much he loved me and that no matter what he always would. His question to me was, “What did I do wrong to make you gay?” That question still brings tears when I think back. I said, “Dad, you did nothing wrong. What you did was show me how to bring up and take care of my own family. You could not have done a better job.” Fighting back tears, we held each other.
Seven years later, I sat beside his hospital bed in ICU. He was here to repair an aortic aneurysm. The surgery went well but they were having problems getting him to breathe on his own. He lay there peacefully as a small player placed on a pillar behind him played Christian music. I stroked his head as I talked to him. He opened his eyes. I said, “There are those beautiful blue eyes that mom loved so much.” His eyes closed and a tear rolled down his cheek. Four days later, after trying multiple times to remove the respirator we carried out his wish and removed all life support. My dad went home on what would have been my mother’s 76th birthday. He always promised her they would be together in the new century.
My only regret is that I never took the time to let my dad know he was my hero.
Written By:
Arthur J. Martin-Chester
Arthur Martin-Chester has been active in "Whosever MCC" in Philadelphia, and "Men Of All Colors Together - Philadelphia" since arriving in the area. He joined the Board of Directors for the LGBT Qmunity Center shortly after the inception of the group. As an activist, he has often found himself holding signs, marching, and chanting for equality. On May 14, 1994, Arthur married his partner Stevie Martin-Chester on the steps of the Philadelphia Art Museum by the Reverend Troy Perry, founder of MCC Churches. On August 11, 2013 as part of the many couples, they received marriage licenses from Montgomery County.
About the LGBT Qmunity Center of Montgomery County:
The LGBT Qmunity Center strives to provide and promote resources to increase the visibility, acceptance, equality, well-being, health and self-respect of LGBTQ people in Montgomery County, Pennsylvania and increase awareness in the community of the needs and contributions of LGBTQ people.
